I’m a 30-something wrinkle assassinating beauty junkie and Match.com success story living in Michigan with my budget-obsessed doctor husband and our 2 puggles, Mr. Butters and Hugo.

I placate my husband by operating mostly by moonlight; I decorate the house, unload my car, organize my closet and conduct all of my online shopping between the hours of 11 PM and 3 AM. Also, my shipping address is my neighbor’s home and my husband’s monthly payment to CareCredit isn’t really a 0% APR vet bill (it’s what keeps me from looking worn out and spreading out).

When I’m not hiding my online purchases, finding Looks For Less or trolling the aisles of Sephora, I enjoy sitting around, as still as possible, simply marinating in my own filth.

I created I Married a Doctor to document and share my journey through life, war against wrinkles and constant battle with the household budget.










The Match.com Profile That Scored Me My Husband

WANTED: Male canoe partner.

This will not be a traditional partnership. I try not to lift anything heavier than my handbag and consider carrying a wine bottle from the cellar to the table an arduous workout. Accordingly, it is highly important you possess the ability to carry the canoe yourself over any portage no matter how long or rocky.

You should not tire easily in mind, body or spirit, as you will be responsible for carrying your weight as well as 100% of mine while laughing at my stupid jokes, responding to whatever it is I drone on about and impressing the extended group of canoers/campers with your canoeing prowess and razor-sharp wit. Luckily, I’m prone to mid-day naps, so you should get at least one 30 minute break to do and act as you please (as long as you don’t lag behind the group). This time can even potentially accommodate varying religious observances. Sand and water will be plentiful; a minor ablution could easily be preformed. I’m very open-minded. Especially while I’m sleeping.

Attractiveness is not much of a concern for me; I plan to drink copious amounts of whatever alcoholic beverages are available while you navigate the waters. Although you shouldn’t worry about my appearance because you’re going to end up abhorring me regardless, a photo does accompany this ad. I understand men are visual creatures and consider myself a pretty thoughtful, understanding person. A “giver” if you will. Please note the lack of muscle tone in my arms.

****Caveat: After receiving an overwhelming # of responses, I’ve reconsidered and decided I do want a hottie. I think this might be the most hilarious experience ever with the right person. So, let me add this: you should be as attractive or slightly less attractive than me, but not more attractive. I’m already going to be drunk and in a bikini; I don’t need your dashing good looks to fuel the few insecurities I already have. If you’re wicked smart and just average looking, that will do as well. I dig intelligence. Unfortunately and accordingly, I will not be choosing a partner who responds and improperly uses “you’re” and “your,” OR has a BMI over 30.

You should be young, athletic…. Aged approximately 28-38, so I can successfully lie about where I found you (I’ve dated older men, but people might start to wonder if you appear older than 38. Also, my father wasn’t thrilled about the 42 year old I dated). Craig’s List simply will not do. Too many pedophiliac associations. My friends and family members are all pretty poor judges of character and extremely gullible, so between the two of us we can figure something out. Something very “Notebook” and romantic, I’m sure.

Preference will go to anyone who has a solid repertoire of various paddle strokes from the J to the running pry.

I’m rather competitive in nature, so I need a winner in my corner, canoe and camp.

The Original Match.com Profile

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wedding day
trash the dress